


Regis buys a body pillow

by goodnessake



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Body Pillows, Crack, Gen, Misunderstandings, its ridiculous omg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 19:20:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11319963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodnessake/pseuds/goodnessake
Summary: In which King Regis Lucis Caelum, a man of great esteem, endeavours to buy a body pillow. Becuase why not.a kinkmeme fill





	Regis buys a body pillow

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea what was going through my mind when i was writing this i think i was drinking chocolate vodka when i wrote the first half of this
> 
> for the kinkmeme:  
> "Give this man a body pillow please and everyone else is like 'why, why, why?' and judging the poor man."

“Clarus, if you don’t mind,”

Clarus immediately turned to his king as he was addressed. Regis was sitting behind his large ornate desk, stacks of documents were shoved to the side to make room for the king’s MacBook which he was frowning thoughtfully at. 

“A body pillow is a pillow with a character printed on it is that right?”

Clarus very nearly choked on his own saliva. “E-excuse me?”

“I’m trying to purchase one, do you have any recommendations?” This is the king of Lucis everyone, the king who has the ability to channel the power of the Gods, led troops of soldiers against Niflheim and battled at the front lines during the war. And here he is, buying a body pillow.

Fuckin hell.

Clarus leaned over Regis’ shoulder to inspect the website he was browsing, and sure enough, it was a catalogue of various body pillows of different shapes, sizes and characters printed on them.

“I was wondering what character if you could help me purchase one.” Regis explained, “Since you have a boy yourself.”

Alright, Gladio was about fourteen and while Clarus was pretty relaxed with him when it comes to anything outside of training to become the King's Shield, he was pretty sure he would know if his son bought a body pillow, or became obsessed with a franchise enough to buy one anyway. He was freaking fourteen. Too young. Then again he did sneak porn mags from his own father's secret stash at that age so maybe it's not too hard to imagine..... 

Clarus needed to have a good chat with his son when he gets back home. in the meantime, he had a king to attend to.

“Right,” Clarus said in a forcefully calm voice, “Is there a… particular franchise you have in mind?”

Regis hummed thoughtfully, “Not particularly no, I trust your judgement so I’ll leave it up to you.” he smiled and got up gingerly, “You can have the rest of the afternoon off to go look for a suitable one, I in the meantime, have a meeting to attend.”

All Clarus could do was stare blankly as the King left the office, his cape billowing regally behind him.

How the fuck was he supposed to buy a body pillow for the freaking king.

* * *

“Oh my fucking god,” Cid’s voice was laced with mirth and barely restrained laughter. Why the hell did Clarus think calling Cid was a good idea again? Oh yeah, the other choice would be Cor.

Actually, asking Cor would have been much less painful than this what the fuck was he thinking. 

“Oh my fucking Stars this is great.”

“Shut uuuuuup.”

“And he TRUSTS your judgement OH MY FUCKING GOD.” Cid guffawed.

“Cid. SHut the fuck up.”

“Oh man what a time to be alive.” 

“You know what, I'm hanging up now.”

“Now don’t be like that.” Cid said through his sniggers, “Alright alright, I’ll stop now.”

“So are you going to help me or not?”

“Yeah yeah, alright. So. Why the fuck would ol’Reggie want a body pillow of all fuckin things?”

“I don't know maybe he’s lonely.” Clarus snaps and then it dawns on him. Oh shit was Regis just lonely? It has been almost eleven years since Aulea died and Regis never dated or even considered getting back into the dating scene much less remarry.  

“Now that is just sad.” it seemed like Cid thought so too.

“So what now?” Clarus sighed.

“If the Regis is just lonely maybe you should set him up instead of buying him a fucking pillow of all things.” Cid suggested, “I mean, he trusted you enough to choose a cartoon lady on a pillow fer ‘em why not an actual lady. With actual boobs. And an actual p-”

“Yeah I’ll have to stop you right there.”

“But can you imagine Regis rutting into a pillow-”

“I’m hangin up now.”

* * *

Aria was just a simple concierge manager at the Citadel. Seeing that the Citadel is not only just home to the Royal Family but also a sort of a tourist spot, she gets to see all sorts of people. This of course, means that she’s seen some shit.

It’s not uncommon to see noblemen and members of royalty milling about. In all honesty that was probably a huge security issue but hey, Aria is just a middle class immigrant from Tenebrae, what the crazy Lucians nobles do isn’t any of her business. Maybe she’ll drop a note in the Crownsguard feedback box after her shift.

Anyway, Aria was on her break randomly roaming around the Citadel, she only had limited access to the facilities like the training halls and kitchens and she was of course barred from the living quarters, guest rooms, the armoury, the garage, etcetera etcetera but the place was still huge anyway and the place was a definitely a work of art. 

Not exactly practical or fortified against an attack with all the incredibly large and numerous windows but it was still beautiful nonetheless, with it’s high ceilings and classical and highly detailed painting of scenes from the Cosmogony lining the walls. But what did she know, maybe the place was protected by the King’s magic or something.

But she’s getting a little side tracked here. Now remember how the Citadel isn't exactly great to withstand an attack or invasion? Turns out, voices carry really well in here as well.

“I’m just saying Regis, maybe you should take a break.”

“I’m perfectly fine Clarus, no need for all this…. Concern.”

Aria pressed herself against a wall, hoping that the other two men just around the corner hadn't noticed her. Thank god she wore her ballet flats today or her footsteps would have given her away immediately.

“I can’t help but be concerned, how long has it been since you’ve last taken a break?”

A sigh, “Far too long but rest assured, I am still in perfect health.”

“In any case, maybe you should consider this.”

A rustle of fabric, Aria couldn’t see what was happening but she imagined that he had taken something out from his pocket, “What is this?” King Regis asked.

“Someone you could call… for some… companionship.”

“Companionship, Clarus are you asking me to hire an escort?”

“That’s one way to put it.”

“What the actual fuck Clarus.”

Now  _ that _ was something you don't hear every day. “I just thought maybe you need to let loose and relax a little, it isn't good for your health.”

“And you think hiring a prostitute will help, really?”

“Maybe you just gotta get laid once in awhile to… relieve stress.”

“Thanks but no thanks.” the king’s voice was a flat monotone. “Anyway, have you found a nice pillow? I was thinking of getting something cute on it.”

Footsteps began approaching her direction and that was about when Aria decided it was time to GTFO. Well then, the royalty in Lucis was weird as fuck, not that she didn’t already know that but this pretty much reinforces it. Makes Aria miss the Nox Fleurets.

But that wasn’t any of her business. Maybe she’ll drop a note in the Crownsguard suggestion box about better soundproofing later.

* * *

Cor was definitely confused when the king approached him. It wasn't a formal meeting or anything, King Regis just called him over when he happened to pass him by.

“Ah, Cor just the man I’m looking for.” Regis said warmly.

“I need you to help me buy a pillow. Preferably with something cute on it.” Regis said quickly., glancing around as if Clarus could magically pop out of the woodwork. 

“Of course sir.” Cor said.

“Good man. I knew I could count on you.” Regis patted his shoulder absently and scurried away.

Cor had of course heard about the rumours about King Regis’ recent….. Interests in pillows.

Was Regis actually secretly repressed? Yeah sure he’s literally dedicated his life to ruling Lucis and practically spends every single day in the Citadel ever since Noctis was born. The only times he ventured out of the Crown City was when Noctis was attacked by Marilith and for the subsequent trip to Tenebrae.

Which was almost eleven plus years of non stop work. 

And not to mention the ring that was literally sucking his life force to maintain the Wall.

No wonder he’s repressed. He needs to get out and let loose. 

Letting loose isn't exactly easy when you’re the king of the entire fucking kingdom, nor is it easy to get a one night stand. Maybe Regis was onto something when he decided he wanted to buy a body pillow, no messy complication that comes with courting some noblewoman and no risks of accidental bastard children with a random one night stand.

Cor rubbed his chin. But surely a pillow wouldn't satisfy him for long?

There should be better things on the market these days isn't there?

* * *

“Dad what’s this? Can I play with it?” Noctis poked his head through the door of Regis’ personal office. Even though he’s gone to ‘home’ (another wing of the Citadel more like) for the night a king’s work is never done.

“What is it son?” Regis looked up bleary eyed from his papers.

“It looks like a mouth it looks funny.” Noctis said as he scurried over the Regis’ desk. He place the package onto the desk which Regis immediately snatched away.

“Where did you get this?!” Regis demanded.

“I found it on your bed.”

“Noctis I told you not to go into my room without permission.” Regis sighed, “Go back to your room and think about what you did.”

Noctis pouted but did as he was told.

Once the door was closed with a resounding click that Regis relaxed and placed the box onto his desk.

On that box read ‘AUTOBLOW 2  A PERFECT FIT FOR EVERY MAN EVERY TIME’

“You know what, I’m just going to buy that Six-damned pillow myself.”

* * *

A few days later, Regis was having breakfast with his bestest best friends in the entire world. Clarus and Cor even somehow managed to get Cid and Weskham to come all the way to Insomnia for a little vacation. The Boys were back together again.

“So…” Cid trailed off, his tone teasing, as Regis very carefully nibbled on his greens “How’d that search fer that pillow go?”

All the other men at the table braced themselves.

“Very good actually, I managed to find one to my liking.” Regis replied nonchalantly.

“And where is it now?” Clarus asked carefully.

“Oh I gave it to Noctis.”

“ _ WHAT?!”  _ Cor screamed as Clarus and Cid choked on their food.

“I thought it was for YOU!” Clarus exclaimed.

“I wanted to buy Noctis a body pillow from the start.”

“Regis that is an inappropriate gift for your eight year old son.” Weskham scolded.

“I highly doubt that.” Regis huffed, “Besides, Noctis loved it.”

“I’m sure any boy would love a gift from their father but don’t you think Noctis is a little young to have something…. Like that?”

“Like what? A pillow? Don't be ridiculous Weskham.”

Clarus wiped his lips with a napkin, “No no he’s right, what were you thinking Regis?”

“I thought it was a sweet and thoughtful gift after all those nightmares Noctis was having recently.” Regis crossed his arms.

The door opened with a creak, revealing an adorably sleepy noctis, his baby blue pyjama pants too long for his still growing body pooling at his ankles and his hair in a complete disarray. He was rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with one hand while tightly clutching a pillow in the other.

“What’s going on dad?” he yawned.

“Nothing son, just some grown up talk.” Regis answered, “But now that you’re here, how are you liking your new pillow?”

Noctis stared blankly at him and then buried his face in the Carbuncle pillow and shuffled blindly away.

Kids.

“Was that the-”

“Yes.”

“So you didn't….”   


“I don't have any idea what you're insinuating but no i did not.”

Cid slapped his knee and guffawed. “Oh man I thought you needed some stress relief or somethin Reggie.”

“Regis, do you actually know what a body pillow is?” Clarus asked.

“It's a pillow with a cartoon character on it right?”

“Well, yeah but it's usually characters in… compromising positions in various states of undress.”

“Oh.”

“Yes.”

“So you thought.”

“Yes.”

“So that’s why-”

“Yes.”

“And the escort-”

“Yes.”

“ _ Oh.”  _ Regis coughed. “Well my apologies for the misunderstanding then.”

And then they never mentioned it ever again

**Author's Note:**

> [that sex toy is an actual thing btw](http://www.autoblow2.com/productDetails/autoblow-2)


End file.
